Written from a space of: Real talk
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash
When you looked into my eyes and saw my soul
Intimidation crept in
A violation to my psyche
I felt exposed
Ready to climb back into the small safe space of my mothers womb
I didn’t know how to respond to the fact that you were seeing me, all of me
My insecurities, my flaws, my shame
Yes, all that made me unlovable
Yet you still loved me, still chose me
You safely cuddled me with the warm embrace of your eyes
Looked deeply into spirit
You saw hope...strength...love
You saw me
You wanted me to let down my guard
To be so opened that when you entered there would be no penetrating damage
But I was too tight
A virgin to the kind of love you had to offer
For I was taught to become independent to my hearts desires
If I had no expectations, I wouldn’t get hurt
If I pleasured myself, a climax was guaranteed
But my wall was no match for your laser-visioned heart
So, you stood down and loved me from afar
Metaphysically kissed, caressed, and made love to me
Surface talk was our pillow talk that felt like real talk but for real talk required me to let you in so we didn’t talk, to the real me that is
Yet, you stayed here by my side, showing up the best way you knew how, loving my representative to the fullest
You desired a nurturing soul
And while I was that, I couldn’t be that in the times you needed
My heart turned cold
Icicles only melting when you gave me the heated stare which turned into despair which then and only then forced me to care
But I did care
Just that the expectations I put on myself bled onto you
I could be down but not for too long
I had to take care of myself while also tending to others
I could feel loved but not need love
There was always little room for me so I gave you time limits
I never learned the art of longevity, so I gave you brevity
Yet, you took what you could get and latched on to it as long as your body could hold on
Cherished the infrequent moments and knew this was the best I could do for you
Sweetheart, the truth is I’m still broken
A shattered mirror with my fragments scattered everywhere
In places, in people, and in things
Finding you and falling in love with you forced me to look for all these pieces
But like an infinite puzzle, I don’t have an ETA on when my true DNA will no longer be MIA
But what I am certain of
Is that while I collect every intricate part and delicately put me back together
I offer you a head full of confusion, a face of fear, a pounding heart, and a stomach full of nerves…as I come toe-to-toe with my trauma
This is what completely letting you in will look like
And if you can handle this, I offer you a do over
Now, don’t get me wrong
Our world is special
We enjoy the laughs
We make the sweet love
We create the tender moments
But imagine what our world could be, if we allow the dead leaves to fall where they may and let the God blow them away.
Agape love is what I see
Fun and flirtatious love is what I hope
Meaningful love is what I vowed
So Love, take my trembling hand, and come, let’s journey into our own newly created land
: Juanyta ~ with a ‘y’
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