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A Letter to My Wife

Written from a space of:  Real talk

When you looked into my eyes and saw my soul

Intimidation crept in

A violation to my psyche

I felt exposed

Ready to climb back into the small safe space of my mothers womb

I didn’t know how to respond to the fact that you were seeing me, all of me

My insecurities, my flaws, my shame

Yes, all that made me unlovable

Yet you still loved me, still chose me

You safely cuddled me with the warm embrace of your eyes

Looked deeply into spirit

You saw

You saw me

You wanted me to let down my guard

To be so opened that when you entered there would be no penetrating damage

But I was too tight

A virgin to the kind of love you had to offer

For I was taught to become independent to my hearts desires

If I had no expectations, I wouldn’t get hurt

If I pleasured myself, a climax was guaranteed

But my wall was no match for your laser-visioned heart

So, you stood down and loved me from afar

Metaphysically kissed, caressed, and made love to me

Surface talk was our pillow talk that felt like real talk but for real talk required me to let you in so we didn’t talk, to the real me that is

Yet, you stayed here by my side, showing up the best way you knew how, loving my representative to the fullest

You desired a nurturing soul

And while I was that, I couldn’t be that in the times you needed

My heart turned cold 

Icicles only melting when you gave me the heated stare which turned into despair which then and only then forced me to care

But I did care

Just that the expectations I put on myself bled onto you

I could be down but not for too long 

I had to take care of myself while also tending to others

I could feel loved but not need love

There was always little room for me so I gave you time limits 

I never learned the art of longevity, so I gave you brevity

Yet, you took what you could get and latched on to it as long as your body could hold on

Cherished the infrequent moments and knew this was the best I could do for you

Sweetheart, the truth is I’m still broken

A shattered mirror with my fragments scattered everywhere

In places, in people, and in things

Finding you and falling in love with you forced me to look for all these pieces

But like an infinite puzzle, I don’t have an ETA on when my true DNA will no longer be MIA

But what I am certain of

Is that while I collect every intricate part and delicately put me back together

I offer you a head full of confusion, a face of fear, a pounding heart, and a stomach full of nerves…as I come toe-to-toe with my trauma

This is what completely letting you in will look like

And if you can handle this, I offer you a do over

Now, don’t get me wrong

Our world is special

We enjoy the laughs

We make the sweet love

We create the tender moments

But imagine what our world could be, if we allow the dead leaves to fall where they may and let the God blow them away.

Agape love is what I see

Fun and flirtatious love is what I hope

Meaningful love is what I vowed

So Love, take my trembling hand, and come, let’s journey into our own newly created land

: Juanyta ~ with a ‘y’


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