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Suppressed Wounds

Written from a space of:  Unhealed Emotions

Awaiting her results, she innocently lied in the bed

Suddenly, all the trauma guiltily replayed in my head

“Oh yea, I’m praying for you” is what I eventually I said

Because you see in that moment, my heart was torn

I saw of the version that God sees but felt the version little Nyta still feels

The version she had to push to the back of her mind so that she could heal

Suppressed Wounds, was my friend

Her talk was a whisper of sweet nothings

That had a promise of new beginnings

But it all sounded like thunderous rumblings

That I just could no longer ignore, anymore

But she wanted me to push pass the pain

See pass this made-up vision she shared

And collectively get on board

And believe that she cared

Suppressed Wounds was my calm

Her song played on repeat, tearing me down in such sweet melodies

Cut so deep that I couldn’t even find the wounded entities

Nor feel them

Even now in this tender moment, the light of her gas illuminated

So bright that I wasn’t able to articulate what she backhandedly communicated

Her authenticity I was left deciphering yet again

Questioning my reality just like back then

Suppressed wounds was my normal

To her we were an illusion

A made up figure of her imagination

To me, we were not a we, but rather she was a she

The one who took the essence of me

And created a people pleasing version of me

I was only a child wanting to explore the depths of me

But I was told there was no me

Only what she wanted me to be

And so she disoriented me

Until there was no more me

Suppressed Wounds was my safe haven

Went out into the world and found another version of her who shared the same vision

But while I could divorce him, I couldn’t her in the name of self-love 

So, we stay pretending like we are still in love

Like our relationship was this one contiguous line

That didn’t have dashes and dots or clusters and clots

So I’m stuck

Wanting her to heal 

Being ok if she didn’t

Is that wrong to say?

Wrong to feel?

Ask my suppressed wounds how I should feel

While they made me feel whole

Made me feel healed

Kept me in control

Helped me to feel real

They sit in darkness, anxiously waiting to be for real for real healed

But even as I attempt to bring it to the surface, I’m unable to

The fog is too thick and the journey has been way too long

Besides, I would look like the villain and the guilt would be too strong

But it’s cool

I’ll brush all of my emotions aside

And continue to be the good girl who always abides

(Yea that’s me)

So, Suppressed Wounds, hang in there

I promise I’ll get to you and free you one day

But for now, suppressed you are and suppressed you must stay

Suppressed Wounds

: Juanyta ~ with a ‘y’

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